A Failed Treasure, Life
The time has come to fade and there is no more air to breathe, the sickness has withered the body and the skies above my life are always cloudy. There will be no more statues to look upon, there were no wings for me to fly above, here the story is going to be finished and here in this cage I will let this misery to be unleashed as there is nothing left to seek and my beloved I will leave. I was writing thy name everywhere and you were erasing my existence so then, you may thought that I would just fade away but there was no shoulder for me to lay. I’ve built a house which was seeing the dawn where there was no light to be shown and you've destroyed a life which was a shame when I’ve realized that the sun above is pale. I was coming for you and you were walking away from me, you thought that I will just put this to rest but you didn't know that I will seek for you always till the end and as there is nothing left to see, I vanish. Nowhere to rest nowhere to lay and all these times escaping, no one to talk to and no door to walk through all these moments flying a journey through distress has begun so long ago. No safety to trust and no compassion to feel, all these seconds vanishing, no hand left to touch, no heart left to love and all these moments dying. A journey through death and I’ve had finished it in the very first moment of it. And darkness came with its blackened sublime to smother the remaining light and sadness came with its muted pride to erase the existing life, so dead was the light and so cold was the night. And emptiness came with its unwritten glory to fail the one who was behind and death came with its truthful breath to take the one who was alone, so long was the road, so wasted was the hope and darkness dwelt. Sinking back to time there is nothing but the night that smothers the voice of the fallen, drowning back deeper, there is nothing but the shiver that devours the death of the fallen. This is the origin of the fallen and this is the origin of an unfinished novel. Walking back to the birth there was nothing but the curse that begins the misery of the fallen painting back to the beginning, there is nothing but the void that holds the existence of the fallen. This is the origin of the fallen and this is the origin of an unlived life. You walk alone, you wander alone and there is nothing but dark to bare that kills the light of thy life. You write, you cry, you erase alone and there is nothing but the lies to witness that causes the pain of thy heart. This is the origin of a dead light and this is the origin of an unbearable pain... You seek, you suffer, you fade alone and there is nothing but the sorrow to feel that withers the veins of thy root. You rise, you rule, you die alone. There is nothing but the emptiness to have that creates the grey of thy painting. This is the origin of a misery and this is the origin of an unbearable pain. For all the moments, for all the years searching for a door to exit from this day that holds the soul of a dead one. For all the times, for all the seconds yearning for a hand to hold in this desolation that cries the tears of a frozen one. This is the origin of an isolated one and this is the origin of a dead breath. For all the days, for all the nights breathing of an air to stay alive in this world that sickened the lungs of a perished one. For all the autumns, for all the winters begging for a warmth to feel in this coldness that freezes the bones of an anguished one. This is the origin of an isolation and this is the origin of a dead breath. Trapped under the pressure of this sickened reality starting to paint a plan for escaping from this city where nothing grows but the thorns on the wounds. Laying behind the walls of this forgotten sanity trying to be awake and clear to be erased from this tomb where nothing keeps you alive but despair. This is the origin of an escape and this is the origin of an empty life. Hearing the last melodies of this saddened creation trying to forget the memories of thy gloomy days that dried the last tear-drops of a withering leaf watching the last days of a promised and fallen land scratching the veil of a long forgotten lightened sun that never shined upon this miserable quest of living. This is the origin of an escape and this is the origin of an empty life. Lies that stains the soul, slicing it into pieces, visions of an unstoppable hunger to live gathers the reasons to watch the beauty die, wounds that withers the body, yearnings for an un-delightful smell to bare sickens the inherit for witnessing the flesh to rust. This is the origin of a failure and this is the origin of endless elegy. Bitter taste of a beauty, harsh image of softness, notes from an un-sing able anthem, colors of a grey painting all leads to the emptiness of an undying lust, cold touches of a hand, hallow embrace of a person, the reflections of a fading shadow, words of an unfinished novel all erases the lucid signs of an unlived life. This is the origin of a heartfelt dirge and this is the origin of and undying rays of lies.. remembering all the promises, seeing them fading all the words and all the facts of an unreliable being to trust causes a heart not to love, not to feel, even not to beat again, remembering all the touches, seeing them turning to leave, all the kisses and all the breaths of an unreal warmth to feel destroys the inner self not to trust, not to bare, even not to be found again. Picturing thou as you were, erasing thee as I should from all the moments, all the seconds that I lied awake to be suffered this very soul not to see, not to care, even not to live again.
Recalling thee as you came, leaving thou as I must and all the days, all the nights that I stayed awake to hold killed this very life not to go on, not to mean, even not to breathe again. These are the origins of a broken wing and these are the origins of an eternal loneliness. Walking among thy soil, drifting away upon thy lands, being lost along the night, being blind during the day was the only tragic truth that kept me breathing this sorrow, painting over thy walls of sanity, writing down thy words and being alive among the roads, being afar following the map was the only bright lie that kept me searching for the truth. so far to touch, so dead to feel, so close to lose thy withered soul and so cold to bare, so bright to see, so dark to reach thy sickened light. Are they real? Or I am a lie to witness thy truth? So long was the life, so short is thy death. So vivid was the truth, so deep are thy scars, are they healing by the way? Or I already lost so much of thy trust? These are the origins of a distress and these are the origins of an eternal coldness. For years searching for an answer, finally to realize that I was for ages yearning for a sign, finally to be alive, no more words left to say and no more melodies left to hear. For a long time witnessing the lies being a puppet, for a long term scratching the veils, reaching for nothing. No more light left to see, no more guides left to follow. All those times are over now, nothing left behind, all that agony became stronger, no more tears left to shed. No more pretending joy, no more staining void, all those dreams are over now, nothing left to see all that suffering became more real, no more reasons left to live and no more astonishing words, no more unbearable loss. Imagine a life which never have been lived, imagine a dream which never will come true. Try not to break yourself deeper, because there is nothing to be found. Imagine a light which never have been lit, imagine a breath which never will go to waste try not to fool yourself more, because there is nothing worthy to die for. Imagine a night which never have been lied, imagine an inheritance which never will be yours to have. Try not to have it all, because all that meant to be yours are tears, imagine a hope which never have been shined, imagine a day which never will come try not to paint it all over again, cause there would be nothing but grey. For whom this letter is matters the same as a heart breaks and you will have to remain sane. I am here by my side, you are all there upon the sun but never saw you shine. I am here by the shore, you are all there on the boat but never saw you looking back. You have never waited for me and I caused you all leaving me here. You have never called for me and I was always carrying thee. You are there up in the sky and I am stuck here on this ground watching you all, fading away. You have never waited for me, I am the witness, leave me here, even you ravens betrayed me. Light fades and dark rises, cold remains in such sorrow of existence we dwell. Reasons they disappear and meanings they vanish, all the love turns to hate, all the hate turns to anguish. Time passes by, life goes on and dreams turns to dust, in such seas of desperation we fall; we suffer, we dream, we die and you will be broken and fall right where you left me. No leaves to fall and it is autumn here for so long, no winds to blow so light and time stands still here in this tomb. Coldness smothers my breath, emptiness devoured my soul. No more tears left to shed and frozen they are for so long, no more shining light to lie and dead are the rays for so long. Darkness has been roused upon my being and thoughtlessness has been erased my existence. As I dreamt about rain to fall and to wash away nothing came just the wet breeze to remind, as I closed my eyes I was drowned within the teardrops. Oh! Hope, you leave, I may not follow. You say, I may not repeat; time is to bare, time is to write again, seasons are cold, life is the opposite, nothing is sacred and everything fades. You leave, I may not follow, you write, I may not agree; so long is the life, so great is the distance, hands are shaking, death is not to come nothing is holy and everything dies. I remember your picture, filled with sorrow, I recall our moments, filled with desperate words trying not to feel the cold, hand in hand trying not to lose the hope and our dreams turned to sands. Now you go, I may not dream of you…coming back. Resident unknown and destination nowhere, wandering forevermore. Resident unnamed and origin nowhere yearning from the beginning, destined to witness, doomed to be wordless. An unlived resident of cold season reason? A meaning? There is not… destined to be born, doomed to be lost. Deep down under thy cold spell there are souls, living through thy miserable gift. Down beneath thy rotten veil there are eyes, dying through thy blinding light. We come, we wander and we cry. Deep inside of thy shallow rivers of loss there are souls, rusting through thy sickened waters and so far from thy promised land of light. There are ghosts, flying among thy empty skies. We witness, we suffer, and we die. As I’ve waited for you all of my body started to shiver not having the strength caused it and no more air left to breath, you were mine as I trusted in you, all of my will to live started to fade, not having you caused it but no more lies left to witness, you were gone. So as I long for you here still light shines through my being.
As I’ve died for you here all of my existence started to fall not having a shoulder that caused it, no more sorrow left to feel, I am already there as I’ve yearned for you. All of my love started to leave and not having a heart that caused it, no more tears left to shed, I am already dead. So as I write to you from here you fade away, my end is near. As I seek the unknown in this days of loss life lies and freedom cries, as I leave my wings unfold in this nights of cold many souls fall, their flesh wither. So don't be there, I won't follow your light. As I speak the untold in these lines of the void, words vanishes, emptiness comes, as I leave the life undone in this roots of the dead light. Everything fades and horror begins, so don't be an optimist, everything is upside down around here. Even though I am gone and still yearning for the void with knowing that light came after I was afar. Even though I am gone still counting the days of desolation when I realized that despair came before me. Even though I am cold still feeding the warmth within with unbearable truth that life had ended before the birth. Even though I am here still painting the lines of a beauty which had been erased before its creation. Even though I am there still holding the hands of my sorrow that has been with me ever since. Even though I am fading still longing for thy shinning eyes that will shine upon my way till the day I die. Nothing grows but the depression, nothing lies but the veil of life. In this time I decide, in this moment I deprive. For I long enough to breathe, for I die enough to greed...a life which is the misery. In this time I try, in this moment I cry. For I have enough to bare, for I had enough to share...a life which is the void. In this time I leave, in this moment I lead. For I have nowhere else to go, for I have nothing else to show...a life which is the fading into thin air. In this time I fall, in this moment I recall. For I smell the dead, for every single tear that I have shed...life which is the death. In this time I feel, in the city by the shore, in this time I fade, in the city of no one's...It’s more than a year now that you came up with thy heart to conceal the door of my sorrow as it's always been a part of me. It’s more than a dream now you have painted a reason with thy love to erase the void of my existence as it will be always a light of thee. Oh Shadows, wherever I go, whatever you say I will stand by thy sides praising the void that brought you to me. It's almost the end of the road to start again, I will live through thy breath, to be smothered by the waves may it will be the inhale of thy warmth it's almost the beginning of an end to draw again. I will live through thy essence to bring you at least the less may it will be the exhale of thy pain. Wherever you go, whatever I do, I will stand by thy side praising the beauty of the dark that showed you to me. For I thought that I have something inside of me, for I felt that I have a will to go on, not even for me, for I saw that there is something I would build, never for anyone. Nothing I’ve had, nothing I’ve felt...just the void. For I thought that I have love for my kind, deep down through my soul, for I thought that I have a heart in my chest, which never gives but takes for I have dreamt that I will create the reason, which never dies but lives. Nothing I’ve had, nothing I’ve took...just the pain. For I thought that I will light a heart, for I thought that I will draw a line, I’ve killed the others, I’ve erased and I’ve created nothing, for I thought that I feel, for I thought that I care. I've lied to myself, I’ve cried, I’ve had no heart to love. What kind of life is this? Just to seek till the end to find a glimpse of light, a safe shore to hide. What kind of life is this? Just to cry till the end to realize the meaning of this void, the reason of this cold. What kind of life is this? Just dreaming till the end to be lost through the darkest times, within the mournful rhymes. This life, meant to be the loss of our existence. What kind of life is this? Always falling into the spheres of madness trying not to lose the sobriety, for we have so much more to come. What kind of life is this? Always yearning for something to come, to change, to take, trying to be the leader of this fake scenario, for there would be more to play. What kind of life is this? Always waiting for a new day to appear, for a new light to shine trying to keep the heart safe, to heal the wounds, to draw a line to paint. This life, meant to be the death of our lives. What kind of life is this? Always leaving, staying and watching the others fading, through the arms of nowhere. What kind of life is this? Always withering, sitting and watching the world around falling, into pieces. This life, meant to be the end of all the meanings. What do you expect me to say? From these dreadful hours which kills me softly, with thy sorrow beneath my flesh. From these sorrowful moments which withers me slowly, with thy pain within my wounds. From these darkened beings which gets stronger, with thy light upon my roads. What do you expect me to say? From those blackened memories which takes you deeper, with thy empty seconds to be. From those immortal scars which hurts you even more, with thy bare hands to bleed. From those hurtful lies which stays till the end, with thy sickened hope to live. Nothing stays but the pain in this stupid fake scenario which is called life and nothing fades but the shame from this shallow being which is called time. Everything falls upon me and there is no more light to see, no more hope to be, everything fades around me and there is no more being to feel, no more paintings to see, for a life to leave... My hands are frozen and so far is to touch the falling skies, it is so grey and my heart is yearning. So hard is to reach the blackened light, it is so dark and my body is withering, too harsh is to go on and the walls of this faded life is too old and rusty beyond repair. Watching through the window, I saw you flying away so far from me to leave, to fade and to die. Looking down at my wings, I saw them broken, so tired and weak to fly, to reach and to vanish so far. My mind sees and my eyes are hurting from the light which never ends its shinning; blinding lights they are. My soul beholds, my legs are breaking from the weight which never eases and killing reasons they are. Looking back at my past and I saw myself lost far within this life to see, to feel, to suffer.
Looking back at my early days and all I see are darkened, it is so confusing to go on, to behold and to be. I have burnt my wings away for I won't never fly again, even in a dream; you fly, I will stay...so still, I am on my feet again and I walk to leave and to fade; you live, I’m gone for so long. Oh! Life, I’ve smeared my voice with the blood of the withered roses may this death would hear my voice, but alas... there are no more roses anymore... Oh! Thou… the land, that all of your martyrs left this world, with all the bloody tears in their hearts and those who left behind with their tearful yearning eyes to meet again, waiting to hear a voice and longing to see a look again, are dazed at the door but alas... maybe you know it too, that no-one is coming anymore. I’ve made my voice assonant with the sparrows without a song which made a nest on the rusted peduncles of the old trees, maybe this city hears my song but alas... there is no more will left for this people to sing anymore...Oh! Thou… the darkened streets of this city, that all of your passengers are asleep in a distressed dream drowned in a sorrowful silence with dead breaths are passing abased and their being is going to be destroyed, but alas... even you know that, there are no more passengers anymore, no playground for kids, and there is no will left for me to live anymore. I'm leaving, you stay... farewell, because if you stay, there won't be any journey needed for me to go that there is no ending for its beginning but not being. Life becomes clearer as death sings its sad song, light becomes darker as the sun shines its sickened rays, sorrow digs deeper as this city cries out its fears and misery becomes as real as this rotten souls wander around. Emptiness dwells inside of these walls, each step leads astray, each breath seeks to destroy and all is the death of a life. Void becomes stronger now in this moment, comes the sickest dream to leave you all behind, misery comes as the daylight shines. My name is written down with the blood of my people, so far from the end and so close to end this life. My existence is disturbed with each word that echoes from the silenced voice of the people of my home, so cold is the resistance, so dead are the poppies, and nothing more. My life is ruined forever by the sickness of my own roots, so dark were the days and so light was the words. My hope died long ago by the caresses of death, so long is the road, so hard is to leave behind, and nothing more. My sorrow is filled up with the tears of the crying future of children, so sad are the nights and so broken are the days. My song is silenced by the touches of the fallen ones, so calm is the dead and so desperate are those who are left behinds. This misery, this loss, this agony, this distress won't be erased from me till the moment I breathe ...and thus we shall suffer through the fall, just this and nothing more. I carry this boredom around this city, feeling nothing but being lost within these rooms. I am imprisoned by this city and these walls, this darkness, these cold streets where I see no face but the shadows of a wanderers. I have been taking away by this winter, these shallow rivers where I throw my hope deep inside but nothing changes here in this exile. I have witnessed enough of this desperation, this lost cause where I seek no more. Nothing less or reaching to a shore where everything fades and nothing more. I walk through each street among these coffins, painting everything in grey as it is. I am a writer of a forgotten elegy and a remaining sorrow where there is no such thing as peace that has been brought into life before this, and all the darkened light. I am nowhere close to somewhere to feel a taking hand, all the seasons are the same and maybe I am wrong, or maybe it is done. Everything fades here as my home there, falls into pieces. Nothing stays here as my past there, stays the same. This life leads astray as days are passing by I know that my time is yet to come but my flesh will rot somewhere not so far, and forevermore.
I remember the cold and I do recall the void. I painted the sun all over my heart as the light have faded for so long to see. I dreamt of you every passing night as there were only lies around to bare, I am seeking for so many years as I have never found hope even you. I will die for my cause as I exist through the shadows that they fall, I do wither for thy call and I shall fall before the dawn, no one knows my anguish but... my sorrow is thy eyes. A plague took over my heart where there was no other way to look around and life became so fragile when I realized that I lost you for so long as all the seasons are passing by. My heart always carries the one so white and filled with ice, looks like nothing will change it at all, as I see you crying, there in the fall. My beloved, my darling be sure of one thing that you are the cause that I’m fighting with all of my tears for the memories to come back and to recall. May the day comes that I won’t ever see you cry? I call you my heart cause there was nothing but you that I lost, so I will take you to a silent lake where all the swans are wandering around and I will sing my song with the sorrow of a loss for we have no wings to fly. The skies are saddened and the rain falls with a woe beneath the clouds, my grief becomes stronger where everything keeps us apart. I sat on the corner of a street near all the shadows and far from the sea and all I saw was the wandering people walking around, looking down for other but not to see and their eyes with a lack of a feeling or a glimpse…a gathering of strangers in an awful society, which they used to call it a utopia; A perfect city. Stinks in dirt everywhere nowadays a passenger said to me with his gloomy face and sad eyes, he looked down at me repeating don't wait here cause there will be nothing more here for you to see. No more words comes from this being to shout, no more songs are written from this life to sing, no more light shines within this coffin to see and no more truth rises from these lies to bare. There are no more stories to tell and no more tragedy to share. You fall deep down beneath these streets, this river, you fall sleep under these buildings and you shiver, for I long to say... wishing to fly away somewhere far from here to fade. Starting a new day, nothing changes but my feeling and they always fade away in this day, like any other day keeping the breath within and my freedom inside watching the clouds passing by in this horror, like any other nights. Same are the days, darker are the nights...When the life leads to the same direction, I see myself drowned, without a destination. I’ve search for you, for the dawn but all is an endless ocean without a shore. I am lost, and all my life I was seeking a way to reach the sun where the night is not eternal with all the loss and I see myself calling thy name in a place so far. Why can’t you hear me? Did this sorrow leave you behind? It’s almost the end, my tears are falling down and a raven is singing my song so desperate, yet so filled with love. Winter came so early in my life filled everything with snow and so white, so cold was everything to touch and to be alive. I'm carrying this burden, oh my beloved for so long, my life is leading astray and so wide are the landscapes which I used to draw all this time. Life became a lie for me and death the truth, so I close my eyes the darkened sun starts to shine, my rivers are frozen and it’s for years now my heart is rotting. As I'm standing by your side in the dead of night, gather the souls and the shadows whom are left behind for I’ve lived this sorrow for so long and every day I was there right beside you, at my funeral... the roses will wither, through the years till the dawn’s very lights....©ThyMournia, 2013
A Grieving Loss: Intro
All the chapters of life, from beginning till the end are filled with the misery of ages, of every second's lie. There is no one beyond the clouds; there is nothing such as hope, which makes mankind blind. It is just the urge of living and moving forward, with having the images of the coming end; mankind will live, no matter what. There is no shining light, there is just a brighter lie, all are out and visible, if people just had the eyes to see it. Calling and creating a master, making a new meaning as there is none, every single day waking up, looking at mirror saying: today will be different, but still having no answer even for one of their questions. All lost, and searching for more is because of escaping the dark, they say there is a light in your heart, yes there is, which just keeps you alive and nothing more, live and let live they say, ok, I live and I’m letting people to live, what is the result here? Just living without knowing how and why? That is the life that our fathers and mothers promised to us? In every book in every religion and every school of thought there is a word LIGHT, and such less people they know what the meaning is. All yearning for an answer, nothing and nothing more. The misery, the emptiness in our hearts won't be filled with such shallow words, no book helped a life, no sweet word changed a life, it made the day a bit easier to handle, and they say it erased all the loss from my heart. Such funny and at the same time miserable are these words to hear, why don't you stand still for a moment and think what should be done, we say all the words from all the great Philosophers and writers without knowing they were all searching for the light, which has been forgotten as it never was. It just makes you think and that's all, did you got the answer? some say yes, and they know that is just a lie, you can lie to me, I can lie to you, we all can, could we stand in front of mirror or closing our eyes and lie to ourselves, I don't think so, even if people say yes I can and I could, ignorance is bliss and all, it just shows how the emptiness reached the deep inside.
Chapter I: A life ends
The clouds were all over the skies, heavy was the air, and the trees started to shiver, as the rain drops were falling from above... a silence, a sound of misery...kids were no longer playing on the playgrounds, city turned to a ghost town, and everyone was leaving everything behind. There was a man standing on the sidewalk, looking down...not bothered with the people passing him by, putting down all he had in his hands and started to walk, slowly...hearing his footsteps singing and leaving no marks behind, mesmerizing: rain will wash away my existence...He reached the end of the sidewalk, looking around, no sign of anyone, and even when there was one, it vanished in front of his eyes...looks like there was no ending with this poetry of the fall and the woe in his heart...he started to realize that he is the one sharing sorrow with his beloved one, loneliness, being torn apart and gone... As he continued his way, he saw a writing on the wall, saying: tomorrow will be fine. He smiled, remembering there was no soul waiting for him in his life, no trusted friends and no wings to fly, tomorrow will be fine, if there was only a glimmer of light to shine... Where to go? Where to walk? This city sinks in grief and for this ocean of being there is no end neither a shore... Slowly from behind, there was a voice calling him from afar, who could it be? The one? Or another shattered soul to be found...who could be? a lie, or another saddened truth to recall...he didn't want to listen, he wanted to leave as far as he could, with every step the voice became close.... wait for me, i have no one else but you, here to take me to the dawn.... he turned back... what he saw, was not someone that he knew from before, a painting with beautiful eyes, cause she was crying for so long, he realized...sun never shined through her life, but inside of her body, deep down through the heart was a heat, a warmth that kept her alive... walking with him, with nowhere to go, with no names both were wandering around...cold it was, the mist covered the city, like there was nothing there in their sight...Under the rain, under these crying skies, city lights were fading out, as their hands was seeking the warmth and in this journey there was no one around to call, her lips were whispering, no wonder why I feel this cold, our hands needs to be touched....our bodies needs to be entwined, even we are worlds apart, we are the last memories to recall and we are the one...so shallow became his breath, so dead became the wish of their desire to lean on...
Chapter II: the loss remains
In every corner of these streets, there was a pain, there was an agony to see, closing their eyes in order not to see, the feeling stays no matter what is inside, what is beneath... the fog around them becomes stronger, a sudden disaster comes along, in the middle of nowhere... they lose the sense of their hands, they turn around to find each other, no, it was too late, they were walking alone almost the half of the way after they've met... was it just a vision of having someone around, or was it just another dream to be lost in... It can't be he said... where are you my love? a cold wet breeze with the tears fell from her eyes, oh, I can't stand this loss anymore, where did he took my heart?.... she sat on the stairs of a house with the closed door, she wanted to cry, but there was no tear left to shed... imagining him by her side, he stopped walking, standing in the middle of the side-walk, hate to say goodbye, but my beloved one looks like we fell behind... I will count my steps back to you, I may find you maybe now maybe never, I have no strength to paint you on the walls.... she stood up, looking down... hearing his words by her heart saying: my dearest, we are the saddened story which no one wants to write or read about... we will die... how I want you now in my arms, to carry you, to cherish your eyes....and to write down your sorrow on these grounds to be washed away till the dawn, but alas, you are so far... he said. They Closed their eyes, no longer the knees stands the lack of laying down... but yet is so soon to give up... sorrow will take us away, as the trees are waving their heads down and ahead, stay awake my love he said, breathe through me...no whisper came along, where did I lose you? When did I leave you there behind? How can I forget you? Or did you stayed and just wanted me to leave?...It became dark, city lights started to shine, so sad was the night, unbearable became the fight... there was no end, no guide... there was no sound, and no wings to fly...the flesh is rotten, the wounds are wide open, there is no star above the clouds, there is no peace even at this hour of the night... Flowers started to wither, dreams began to fall, wounds started to bleed, and as all the hope began to fade...is this a dream? Or he was just turning his world upside down at least to feel...no singing birds on the trees, just the crows... no shinning moon among the sky, just the memories of a loss...No courage, no crown... no air, no pride. He starts to sing a song, an elegy for their hearts, she doesn't hear I think he says, but it's okay I will try...on the other side of the town, she lays her head down, closing her eyes, singing with him, no melody comes out, but at least I will dream about...him, whispering in my ears, holding my hand, till we both freeze, she said. No cords, no notes... no shoulder to cry on, no one to believe...
There is a long hard road till the end, a journey which it breaks while it lasts forever, I wonder how it ends, he said... no dawn will wait for me, I'm painting my own sun... a white light started to shine as he closed his eyes...past still hunts...a garden full of roses, kids were playing and nothing seems to get old, hey you, why don't you just join us? Or you will just sit aside...childhood? I don't know why all turned to dust? I've never lived those days, I was the only one who didn't want to be alone and to be apart...and he started to cry...All the kids, they were all with someone and me? I used to sit somewhere far and dream behind the walls...looking around and watching the roads, those people, where are they going? Is it just me wondering? Or I'm just that wanderer that stays behind.
Chapter III: the death of a yearning
Days were passing by, and sorrow started to take all over of his heart...all the nights, clock was not ticking, as he always stayed awake, dreaming of a new dawn, against all the seasons was his will, as all the leaves of the trees started to fall, dying lives, withering flowers, and all the sickened minds around... never a glimpse of light shined through his room, and loneliness was his only choice...it was late, he laid his head down, but all the nightmares were there before him closing his eyes... all the ghosts haunting him down, covering his head under the blanket, but no, there weren't inside of the room, they were all the facts and remnants of the daytime inside of his mind, staying, lurking beneath, crushing over the bones, till his knees feels the ground, breaking into pieces and what is left are the reasons that he is still alive. But until when? He asked himself, not a single answer he found. And it was tomorrow, the weight of loneliness and the misery around were no longer bearable for a 12 years old boy to carry within, all the questions are left without an answer, and all the life is left undone, unlived and in his eyes all the roads leads to nowhere, but I will go, I will try he said, with knowing no tomorrow will be different, and the end would be his grave, that he was digging from the start. Desperation, loss, death, melancholy and being afar are the only causes that my life leads ahead, and I will be drowning in this deep ocean of life, and if I die, I am not meant to be found, he repeated all the time. A sound finally comes, he opens his eyes... with tears falling down, and heartbeat as the engine of a clock, slow, so silent was the breathing, Oh my! I don't want to sleep again, he mesmerized. The past was harder to handle than the loss of his love, maybe yes, maybe not. Where are you my love? Hear my voice, or I will be vanished and I will be gone. It's been one day now that I lost her in the fog, where she can be? Far behind, or she already passed this street without waking me up? Heh, no it is not like that, the fog around here is so much stronger for her to see me, and she won’t ever leave me here, not to be found. I must hurry, it would be too late, now it's just for one day and night that I don't have her here by my side, and feels like I am ages afar from her, and I never met her, but I lost her, without saying goodbye. I must walk back, I have to follow all these streets and lines on the ground, but I don't know from which road I came here, I will look to find her in every side walk, I remember her saying that all the doors are closing in front of my eyes... yes, I must hurry, but alas all the houses, their doors are all locked and no one answers you, another journey would be my will to find her, if I don't I will lose her forevermore, he said. He reaches a square, and stands in the middle and looking around, to all the sides, what a silence, what a dream, what a heavy feeling to have, what a misery, I've never imagined a world like this, cold, empty, and without a hope. Her signs are all erased but my heart, oh my heart, how it carries her inside, a shadow is coming closer, Oh...is that her? Or maybe another memory of her that is keeping me alive? He runs to get closer, but as much as he runs the shadow, the ghost becomes so far, wait for me, don't leave me here, and as much as he screams the voice inside smothers and silent it becomes. The knees starts to move slower than he wants, something is pulling him behind, No...Please no, let me run he says, but there is no shadow anymore ahead, and finally the legs starts to stop, as his tears falls and all the life becomes greyer in front of his sight. He falls on the ground, and he closes his eyes.
Chapter IV: this longing will never end
...As he closes his eyes, on the other side of this misery she is still awake, waiting, I don't want to leave this place, if he comes I don't want him to lose my sign, he would've been gone so far by now but something inside me says, he is coming for me, and maybe he just tried she said. I will try not to sleep; if I see him from here I will call, because it's too hard for him to see me, even to walk. Eyes became heavier, so less became her strength to keep her eyes open and to wait, she started to hear her own heart beats, and no, she couldn't make it, and she falls behind the walls of sanity and closes her eyes.... Hey Girl, come on, get up... her mother yelled at her, it can't be again, she got up, looking around, another day is yet to start, she gets up from her bed, and walks straight to the door, to the way out, voice of the mother screaming, where are you going? Becomes so less and finally she starts to hear. She sits on the stairs, oh... I forgot my friend , my doll... she runs back, the distance between the door to her room wasn't even much but for her was enough to have the feelings of being in a prison as she always thought. Sorry sweetheart, I didn't mean to leave you here... Come and let’s go far, from here to be at least outside... This time she walks slowly to the door, looking at the walls full of family pictures and all those fake smiles and the figures which all changed in time. She recalls, smile, smile, but the heart inside cries. She leaves the door open, puts the doll beside her and started to sing, hey life, even if you erase me someday, I will have my name written on the stars...and I don't have your shame. She keeps singing till the mother comes, shouts at her what are you doing? Still living in your dreams? And she closes the door when she turns. There was no other torturing sound for her than the sound of a closing door, there were enough reasons around to suffer, but witnessing the signs eating every inch of your brain and killing all the love inside of your heart, wasn't something easy to handle all day long, she grabs her doll, and walks away from there. The sun was above the sky, and the misery in the air. A playground was near her house, were she used to sit aside, and watch the others play, something deep inside was always saying: go play, don't just sit here and watch, but why? Why didn't she ever want that? And maybe she just didn't have the courage to move on even just for once. She had a friend, no need from her friend to talk or to do something, she was listening to her, and that was enough. She wanted someone to listen; even that person won't understand a single word of what she will say but, whom? Who will listen as there are other words to hear, such as the beauty of the world and the songs of a joyful life than listening to the shivering words of the broken heart of little girl. But it's ok she said, Let's go sweetheart, let's go to our sacred place, the safest place so far... far behind the garden there was an old, rotten tree, without any leaves living and breathing on her. A silent place to be, even without a shade. Wind always blows so soft here, and she always heard the melancholy of the time, as the trees were waving their head in sorrow, and the time was just passing by and leaving everything behind but not bringing a new day ahead. She wants to sing again, but hearing this silence, without saying a word, was everything to her, no sign of a dying life, no whisper or a voice of a living person. Keep me safe my old friend, I know why you are alone, no color, no breathing life, or maybe you are just a dweller so far? Without lies, all baring the outside...
Chapter V: The End
She lays down on her back, and soothing and singing slowly with the wind, may it takes my voice away, may somewhere, someone will sing it with me, and slowly her eyes started to feel heavy. Oh, it's too late, I have to run back home, which I call it my tomb she said. She rings the bell, after a while she sees that the door is open, no one is there, what happened? Mom? Dad? No answer. Maybe they are sleeping by now, but the door? Was left open, maybe they forgot she says. She walks to her room, closes the door. With all the heavy memories of another day that she lived through, imagining a tomorrow is not something so hard, no difference just the name of the days, let's sleep sweetie, I wish for a rainy day, maybe tomorrow maybe never. A harsh wind blows, the past is so far now, she opens her eyes, so heavy is the weight on her chest, as the wind becomes more stronger, oh.. I'm awake again, that tree, that garden, where are they now? Where is he? Did he pass here? Maybe, I don't know. I can't stay here any longer, as she stands up she hears the door behind her opening, with like a voice of a crying metal on a glass, no, I can't live my past any more, these visions will take me back, where I used to run and hide under that tree to be forgotten, to be apart for a while, I must find my relief again, may he finds me too, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, may never. She runs through all the streets of the city to find, to be safe, and to hide. She stands in the middle and looking around, to all the sides, what a loss, what a nightmare, what a desperate moment to live in, what a suffering, I've never imagined a life like this, shallow, gloomy, an endless ocean without a shore. He rules over my heart, oh my heart; how it yearns for a never ending levitation, she walks in one of the streets; oh.... she thought she saw something, her heart breaks. Was that him? Or another line of his image in my heart? She turns back to be sure, no, no one is there... I'm just sensing his essence like he is so close to me, she says and walks by and gets lost in the fog. He opens his eyes, shaking, crying... his face full of fallen tears, his body not moving...where was I? Where did this life take me? No, she was here, I know for sure, the smell of her perfume is still in the air, I can smell. Which side? Please, why didn't you leave me a glimpse of you?? I looked everywhere for you, all the time searching to find even for a single sign...tell me, tell me which way you went, and left me behind, I don't care, I will walk through each one the streets to find you again, to breathe through you, as I exist only with you. He walks through one of the streets like she does, walks and walks more, in the end of that road looked like there was a garden full of trees with the remnants of a playground, abandoned, and without any sign of the kids playing around, he passes all, the hill? Looks so familiar, behind that hill, was a graveyard I recall, he said and reached the top, oh the tree, it's still here, old, dead, no sign of a breathing soul around... and he said: I remember that I used to come here a lot, nothing was bothering me here except the lack of the air in my life... he sits in one side, the essence of her being was not so far, the smell in the air, without knowing that she is just on the other side, she was there, feeling him so close, closer than her breath, more than her own soft skin, and all was done, both whispering through their hearts: My love give me your hand, kiss my lips, let's close our eyes, oh my beloved one, we died without living a life, for so long...©ThyMournia, 2013
a Story About a Boy
...And I opened my eyes, to the world which was silent and cold, to the place where no one could even hear your voice. You scream and cry out loud to make them understand that you are in pain and agony of not understanding the world around you which is a tomb after all, looking around seeing the beasts smiling at you with whispering strange voices in your ear, teasing you with a harsh touches. Drinking something warm which makes you drugged and fall behind the walls of sanity, be calm child I'm beside you, someday you will know this for sure. You never saw that someday coming...days and nights are passing slow and painfully in this womb, in this world where you are all alone, with no words to speak, with no knowledge to know in what language that beasts are talking to you...and I closed my eyes. And I opened my heart, to the people who were so distant and gone even when they were close as your eye-sight. You share, you give and beg them to take it, to understand it, to behold it...suddenly see yourself torn apart, broken into pieces... the layers of your one and only piece which you had to give...your heart. One who entered, took a piece and left so let them took and have... let them take... you meant to give not to have, they talked you listened you talked they disappeared. Seeking around among these beasts to find a relief but...was there anything that you didn't forget? Yeah, there was no ear there, was no place there, was no language, again the voice...be still child you're among nothing, someday you will know for sure. The day will come that there will be no piece left to give. Oh, how I was wrong trusting thee, my beloved mankind. How I longed to be there for you...and oh, I forgot the one to be with...I forgot there is someone who longs to be heard, to be silenced...I forgot thee and I closed my heart. And I opened my mouth started to tell, of this cold lair which was gray and dread, of the land where nothing will grow and everything ever existed would wither and all the means will fall. You wrote, you drew, you opened, they erased, they scratched, and they closed. You wanted to write down the words which no one ever used or read them before. Strange for them to see a blank page of an unwritten symphony of life. A life which you never lived, a life which you couldn't even imagine, of a life which you always wanted it to end... an endless elegy, an unreachable sanity...when you are silenced from the day you came, throwing out the words looks like an air that you breathe in and never breathed it out. And I fell deep down into the spheres of this undying darkened reality wait for the one to say. Be ready child, eyes won't see, your heart won't feel, your mouth won't scream, the darkness beside of you, the meaning inside you, the lies around you and yet you won’t breathe...no more and someone closed my mouth. And the story never ends, as there are so much to scream, the pain filling me over, and my epitaph calls me again, and those sorrowful melodies, of my dark painted notes never will be silenced, over the ear of the fallen. Do you remember, when those blackened sounds were playing through? I asked thee to sing as you were just looking at me and with thy silent eyes you've cried saying, there is no shining light for us. Do you remember where those lights were fading upon our nights, I asked thee to feel as you were just lying on my shoulders and with thy cold shivering hands gently you've touched my face whispering, there is no warming hope for us. Right over there we were laying down in the corner of our silence and sorrow, cold was the air, we were painting that dreaming sun. Dead was the night we were living this unlived life. I asked thee to stay and to be not to leave me behind in this cold meadows of void, you smiled at me…saying...I should go.
You asked me to talk, to touch not to leave you to be silent on that moment of thy departure. I cried and said you should stay...you smiled at me and have faded... away. Let the nights take it all, let the roads become long and colder because our fate, let this darkness guide us our way. Let this fake light show us the path, as nights are brighter than our days. Let those dreams die before us, let those shadows to be gone before dawn. Let the mankind suffer without knowing, let all the love vanish for all eternity. As we fell through the arms of the oblivion, let them all to be gone...as the salvation never comes and absolution is nothing but a dream. This story has to travel the time back where all started, where all was painted. When I was a little boy, I’ve painted a world around me in white. I’ve kept my secrets not to being heard, I’ve wrote a note for myself to remember. No matter what you paint, it's all in grey, no matter what you keep, it's all in the air. No matter what you write, it's all in blank, no matter what you breathe, it’s void. When I thought about becoming a man, I would paint all over in black again. I would have told the things which were always hidden, as they are the darkened truth. I’ve refused to write a note...as there are no more words to say. I remember... the white was a dream, I hear...the truth was a lie and I live the life which was like a blank page to write on. For all the broken hearts, which grieves eternally, for all the eyes of the beholders, which cries enough to dry. For all the meaningless moments, which withers our hopes, for all the people whom have died, in your darkened shithole till death. For all the loveless walls, which we've faced for a long time, for all the empty times, which we were in cold. For that there is no coming days for us, for all the ones who have left in sorrow and for all those who has died in loneliness, with having no one even to care...for all this desperation. How is it like living an eternal autumn and painting your own summer? How does it look like always dreaming of a land so far away and knowing all is nothing but a mirage? How does it feel to watch and closing your eyes as they shine through your soul? How does it look like to mean to be someone that you don’t want to be? How is it like being silent forever more as you want to scream out loud? How does it feel to love and calming your heart as it breaks into pieces? For I have no wings to fly away, I shall remain on the ground withering. For I have no choice just to accept, I just watch them leave one by one. For I have no strength to carry on, I would suffer all the memories inside. For I have no reason to wake up, I will paint all the time in black. For I have no more tears to cry, for I have no hope to lighten up around…for I have no one waiting for me I will fade through the void. I shall fade away soon...with no wings to fly, with no light to remember, with no sign to be found...I will leave...before the dawn...Leave your eyes to me, maybe you will see what I saw. Take care of your sight and eyes...cause even in darkness you can get blind and not able to see a thing anymore....Behold thy eyes... Even the light and brightness are dark, and the rays coming out of them...can conceal your sight forever... Like a heartfelt elegy, leave with me before it’s too late. If only there was a light to see all of the darkness is not upon me, if only there was a dream to have all of my tears to would be held inside of me. If only there was an eye to see all of the paintings was colorful for me. If only there was a one to have all of the days was joyful to me. If only there was a door to open to all of my hope. If only there was a love in all of my heart to beat. If only there was a life to live all of my moments that was filled with a strength to go on, if only there was no wish to the death to come always, may my ray would have shined so long ago…if only...Tell them I was here but they were not, tell them I was fading but they didn't notice, tell them that I was leaving, but they didn't come...tell them I've lost all the trust that I’ve always had in them but they didn't care, tell them that. I made my buried feeling to words and I've shared, but they didn't feel it. Tell them I have gave all the love that I've had in my broken heart but they didn't take it, Tell them I was the forgotten the one, a shining bright light that they made it fade away...I was the only one. Tell them that I’ve waited for so long, endless nights that I've cried till the last drop but they didn’t shed a tear with me, and sorrow became me, and I became the anguish. Was always too late for hope to be real, for me to stay...to laugh, cause something died inside of me and matters no more, and it was always too late for them to come to understand, tell them...it is all gone. Don’t seek for a sign, you’ll never find as you'd never saw. Stop looking for something as you've lost them all. Don’t say a word because you've wasted them all, because you've left so far away all, sleep because you will see me there. Don’t seek for me in your dreams, you’ll never find me…let this heart rot as it should be.
I wondered why always to feel pain and keep on going, I wondered why always to give a heart and live alone along the waving trees; why always to create hope and for that hope to die, to vanish?; why always to share the truth and all I get in return are lies or a truth in a form of a lie?; wondered why always to create meaning and watching them destroying them all…piece by piece, that rotten heart. All the scars that you left in me are the reasons to go on, all to feel, to suffer. All the wounds that you painted on me are the meanings to keep up, to create, to die. All the horizons that you made for me, are the only point to leave, to bare, to behold and to fade....all are longings. All are yearnings and all are reaching nowhere, there is no end for them, scars always bleed till the end. Even if you won't come to me I will leave with having you inside, pretending that you were for me. Even if you don’t come to be I will walk with painting you by my side dreaming that you were here; I've made, I've had, and I’ve lived to have you...same will goes on the same. Even if my eyes are always closed and rainy even if my hands are always cold and empty, even if my lips are always closed and silenced even if my words are always sold and perished, it will be the same... always for me. Even if I’ve waited this long to hear just a sound of your voice, even if I’ve wanted this much to see just a line of your face. Even if I’ve wished this deep to feel just the warmth of your hands… I've hoped, I've failed, and I’ve died to have you... and I will be the same... forever. Even if I have no wings, I will fly away imagining you here flying with me. Again I fly away to nowhere safe, somewhere far again…the wings are broken to take me away to hold me up none will know the distance. Again the pain caused my fall deep through the void; again I shall leave away to somewhere old, to somewhere far from this life to fade away. So far behind the blinding light there was a fading spark, so close to the shining too weak was the rising. Destiny was to hold it down, fate was to make it less, none may take your hand one would cause your rest. Too deep in the binding dark there was a safest embrace, so cold to stay remained too late to bring back the flame. Past was to paint the emptiness, the cause of thy withering, may today is an eternal night but memories would make you shiver. And leave all behind, for you'll never fight...not anymore, and leave all behind, for you'll never come back, not again. Under a veil of stars there was nothing but darkness surrendering me, under a veil of stars there was no light to show the way for me, under the veil of stars there was nothing but misery withering me. Where no star shines...where I only feel more alone where no one knows...where I only feel dead.
Not far from here there is a man who waits for so long dreaming of a life. Not so far from here, there is a soul which shivers for many years, begging for a warmth to feel. Not far from here there is a light which wanders, as long as it was shredding its last essence. Not far from here there was a man who left somewhere safe seeking a shoulder to rest, not far from here there was a hope which vanished into the spheres of void, and so far from here there was a man who had to die inside. For I am nothing as a shadow who dwells always like a moment, for I am nothing as a wanderer who passes always like a wind, for I am nothing as a life which withers always like a leaf, for I am nothing as a dream which drops down always like a tear. Where are all those dreams that we used to make and live through them? Where are all those dreams that we used to keep and long not having them? Where are all those reasons that we used to pretend and keep losing them? Where are all those happiness we used to have and we had a power for keeping them? Where are all those promises we used to believe in? And we were making our lives with them! Where are all those people we used to lay beside them and feeling not alone with them, where are they now? Our reasons to go on were just nothing to depend on. Where are all those dreams as we are now facing, just the nightmares? Where are all those happiness as we are now living, just the sorrows? Where are all those people as we are now painting, just the shadows? Where are they now? Farewell cold abandoned fields of hope, deep silenced whispers of happiness, vanishing dreams of peace.
Farewell dead withered meadows of joy, old true believers of freedom, late landed messengers of tomorrow. Farewell long forgotten lands of existence, ever founded writers of history, sick minded followers of faith. Farewell always shivered bones of reality, never-played melodies of solace, and long rusted roots of love. Farewell ever desperate words of solitude, all erased reasons of being, white painted walls of loneliness. Farewell every remained shades of despair, long lived moments of sorrow, darkened rays of light. Farewell life. May my time comes, may my dreams fade sooner or later. May my life ends, but I will leave before. May you say never, may I say better to be or not to be, may we do together and may we lie forever. Thy escaping passengers were the only living statues of your creation that I’ve beheld this far. Thy lying hopes were the only betraying reasons of your promises that I fell for them this much and thy fading light was the only darkening images of your paintings that I shall erase till the day I die…you never existed almighty sadist, god. Curse thy being as you left nothing but death to us, curse thy gift as you all call it life while the world is falling upon us, curse thy reasons as you left nothing but this misery upon us. Curse it all, as we are nothing even a moment. Bury thy light as you have faded all before us to come, bury thy sublime as you danced naked while you gave birth to us and bury thy name as you are just the one among us. Bury it all, as we were nothing but empty spaces in thy region, all withered, all rusted curse thee all as you have buried yourselves so long ago. For thy own sake let these wings to fly again, for thy own sake let these tears to be washed away and for thy own sake let this misery to be an end. For my sake let it fade. For thy own sake let these memories to die, for thy own sake let these sufferings to go and for thy own sake let all these gloom to leave. For my sake let it vanish, for my sake let it escape. I saw thee writing with all those silenced words inside of you, I saw thee smiling with all those bitterness on thy face, I saw thee rising with those broken wings to fly, you are gone and I won't be here if you come back. I saw thee whispering with all those dead melodies inside of you, I saw thee leaving with all those tears inside thy eyes and I saw thee fading with all those lights beside you. Go with them, I am here by my own. Thy light shall be gone as thy reasons vanished away so long ago. Thy frightened images shall be erased as thy words turned all to lies... Leave before the dawn, you may never come back, fade before the morning light, you may never shine. Draw a line before you go to see, paint a sign before you erase to be. Take it all before the storm, you may never have again, save your soul before the night, you may never sell it again. Cold is the sun, long is the road and dark is the day, dead is the earth. Write it all down before the sunrise as the light will make you blind, escape this land before the coldness, as the world will fall upon thee. Be real, you may never be able leave. As eternal as these roads are, as these dead melodies play, as these cold feelings dwell, as these sorrows stays inside, let me stay here as I have nowhere else to go. As eternal as these scars are, as these broken wings fly, as these ancient lies blinds, as these dark shadows march, let me lie here as I dreamt nothing else but sorrow. As eternal as these wounds are, as these withered beings fades, as these righteous hearts break, as these unlived life continues, let me die here as I felt nothing else but pain. As eternal as these winters are, as these rotting flesh cries, as these tears are falling and turning to ice, let me rest in peace like I saw nothing as you were gone. Hours passed by as the light went dark and fading beauty of her withering body, witnessing the sea smothering her last breath, a voice from her soul, no more. Time passed by as the life went wasted and dying warmth of her desolate whisper, imagining the world falling upon her last wish, an image from her soul, no more.
As I saw her drowning and my life went irreverent, as I saw her fading and darkness was my abandonment she passed me away to the shore as my heart was yearning for the hope that maybe died but still shinning. She left me there with the sorrow to bare as my existence was longing for a day that she breathed and stayed and finally I lost her by the sea and nothing was there but me. The time has come to fade and there is no more air to breathe, the sickness has withered the body and the skies above my life are always cloudy. There will be no more statues to look upon, there were no wings for me to be above, here the story is going to be finished and here in this cage I will let this misery to be unleashed as there is nothing left to seek and my beloved I will leave. I was writing thy name everywhere and you were erasing my existence so then, you may thought that I would just fade away but there was no shoulder for me to lay. I’ve built a house which was seeing the dawn where there was no light to be shown and you've destroyed a life which was a shame when I’ve realized that the sun above is pale. I was coming for you and you were walking away from me, you thought that I will just put this to rest but you didn't know that I will seek for you always till the end and as there is nothing left to see, I vanish. I’ve buried myself so long ago to end all the things which would never exist for me, I’ve erased my name so long ago to wash all the marks that you would dig on me, I’ve killed my life so long ago not to live all the lies that you would bring to me. I’ve caused my own way to go and to leave to the places where no one will ever know me. I’ve painted my own history in black to always hiding them from the people whom will never feel me. I’ve cried all of my tears to swim in and to be drowned deep beneath the misery which have always killed me. I’ve cried, I’ve drowned, and I’ve died. Leave, but look back maybe a heart is longing…come, but think back may an eye is closing... Nothing else but death, no other life just to bare. Suffer, but don't cry, maybe a life is being built along. Fall, but don't break, maybe a hand is reaching thou, no one else but me, no other soul to feel. When I feel more alone, I dream of being near in a sight of a shadow to embrace the warmth. I dream of laying down, my head on a shoulder of a wind to leave the ground. Where I feel more down, I dream of drowning deeper in a depth of a calm sea to be lost forever. I dream of flying away far from this misery of a life... to reach the horizon, where there is no air to breathe, when there is no reason to live even if so far are the dreams. So far was the light, so cold was the sun as I’ve spent these endless nights, as I’ve walked these endless roads. So long was the year, so dead was the life as I’ve waited those dim lights to shine, as I’ve hoped those nightmares to be gone. So desperate was thy voice inside of my ear, when you sang our forgotten melancholy, so tearful was thy eyes upon my face when this life made us apart. Right in front of my eyes, I remember you were leaving. Deep inside of me, I knew you were fading. There into that room, you said I’m beside you here but as you were walking away, you knew that I was crying, now as you are not here, I’m with you there. As we walked in dreams and passed all of the dead trees, long roads came by. As we talked in dreams and shared all of the memories future seemed to be close and as you loved to be here beside me, someone will come to you there. you've made a life by thy dreadful memories to forget, you've made a ceiling by thy restless arms to resist and when life caused your failure you've wrote a note by those sorrowful letters a farewell, you've made a boat by those ruined wrecks to leave and then you've flied away. So...was it clear to see? When your eyes wanted to follow was it that bright to make you blind? When those lights was fading and you were just right there was it too dark to not finding your way? Was it real? As you were fake. We don't exist... not here, neither there. Was it too painful to behold as you took them all away? Was it too gloomy to feel as you felt them all this much? Was it that much to take as you suffered enough to know? Was it so far as you were not there? We don't know... not a word, neither a promise. So...was it fair? To let us fall, was it fair? To let us cry, was it fair? Just to let us die. There is no life behind these walls even if we cross over, we are done.
Looked like it was the end of a journey, it was the beginning of an end. A painting...which you've been drawing many years ago, a letter... Isn’t it enough to rise and fall over and over again, isn't it enough to paint all the colors, and paint them all back in black again to write and erase all of them again, to talk and to be silenced again. To dream and cry every day and to die and live all over again and again. This is the beginning of an endless suffering...of an unreal joy, this is the dream of an undying hope...of a long faded light. Isn’t it enough to feel this pain, isn't it enough to always hope this real and to be happy just in dreams? I used to say and do, used to wither and behold. Among all the deep rivers that I have been drowned till now you are the deepest. Among all the cold beings that I witnessed till now…You, the life...you were the coldest. Against the life was the walls of my living, too much high for me to see the other side of it so I’ve made a life behind these walls of eternity from the pieces that I’ve found from the broken pieces of the past, all to create; a roof to be safe under, a home to turn back in a memo to write over it, a coffin to rest inside forever and to leave there all and all over again to go out and to see the violence, to go out and to be a homeless, to leave, to witness the cold and to break again. Against the fair was the fate of my being, too much far for me to reach the other ones, so I’ve made an empty frame and hanged it on my wall having and showing no one’s portrait and no where’s view on it to look, all to be...a blank frame to look and dream, a sorrowful landscape to lay down, a never-existed mean of joy to have, a cold meadow of silence to scream and to rise from my lair again to go somewhere else and to seek the one, to go to another place and to be lost, to find and to be with forever, to have and to die for after. For so many years that I’ve lost the first and the last standing home, the home which was the inside of me, the frame which was the soul that I’ve had with not knowing that all the life was against me, with no place to be in, with having no one by my side, with having no pictures to complete, with no air to breathe, with no reason to keep on going, with no fate but falling all and all over again...Where she has to fall should be the place where all of my dreams would fall, when she would behold is the time when all of my fears would be gone. Where she would never know is the moment that I will die. Where she should fall is the place where all of my causes would die. I remember those times which we've sat together saying all the words sharing such emotions. I remember that you've said to me, I won't never go away, giving me all the trust and making such lies. May you've gone far away, may you've never been here. May you were my dying bride, May you were my last try, I will stay here with you as you've walked away from me forever, I would stay here with you as you've left nothing else aside but me. I don't know to whom I’m writing this because I know for sure there is no one. Paint my visions white with no colors…my faded visions for joy. Sing my notes out loud with no sound…my dreadful notes for sorrow, speak out my memories with no shame…my darkened memories of life. Be the cause of my reasons to be erased with no mercy…my faded reasons to breathe. Make my home again with no question…my destroyed home on universe, write down my words with nothing…my dead words of freedom. In the beginning of the days along with life, sorrow came. In the middle of the ages along with sorrow, pain appeared. In the end of the nights along with the pain, death was painted all over. With you, shadows came along for filling the void that you caused. With that void, hope came along for withering the soul that you killed. With my soul, nothing ever came along for taking me away from the coldness...that you left…for me. Only my dreams were real not the life that I’ve lived. Only my soul was breathing nor the sickened air I’ve always inhaled, which all she could take...to herself was an unlived dream, a sickened soul, all she would have taken and vanish. I shall desist longing thee to be for I’m still falling deep inside of thy existence. I shall desist longing thee to breathe, for I’m still suffocating as there is no air, there is no you, I shall desist desiring thee to take me, far from this nightmare with you to be…I shall desist you. I would smother my last breath for I cannot take you inside of me no more, I would expunge my last desire for I cannot paint you upon my life no more. I would lay down having thee beside me for I embrace nothing but your memories here, I shall desist life...I will leave before. Same are the roads, worse is me. Pain is the friend, joy is the dead. You are the reason, wanderer I am. Here are the roads lights are you. Same are the moments, darker is the time. Meaningless are the hopes, brighter are the lies. Creator is me, destroyer is you. There are the maps, but who is there to find? I was just a moment in time...I walk through these roads with no destination to reach. I am drowning into this depression with no reason to go on. I am lost into this death-like life with no light to guide me through.
I am painting here in my heart as the light has faded for so long to see. I am dreaming of a peace as there are only lies around to make. I am seeking for so many years as I have never found hope even you...death. If only the frame was blank nothing from me would exist, if I only knew that life would change this fast, nothing were made till now to dream…If only.. if the nights were brighter than ever just once no pain were made to be melt in, if I only knew that death would come this far nothing were this depressive for so long…if only... Fly, so high from here through the unknown, eternally to fade. Drown, so deep from reality into the dream, finally to sleep. Leave, so far from this misery onward the battle, suddenly to lose. Fly, for I don't have the wings, drown, for I won't take a breath, leave, for I can't behold this...not anymore. Just tell them, there was someone waiting, goodbye to you... With a smile, she took my heart away, with a kiss, she made my mind paralyzed. With a touch, she stole all of my senses away and with a word, she filled my blank papers with poems. With a message, she reminded me of a goodbye, with a single tear-drop, she caused my world to fall. With a melody, she whispered my last song and with waving her hand, she ended my story, and now with the wind, she is gone, I've no heart to regret, no mind to think, no sense to touch and no words to say, she faded me away. And now that I am deep within the solitude… Sing me a song of never ending solace, there is no sound in this room echoing. This silence is just crying, paint me a meadow of never-ending joy there is no smile on this sculpture dwelling, this heart is just yearning. Read me a story of never ending agony there is no light in this side shinning this darkness is just keep binding. Draw me a guide of a never-ending distance, there is no road in this desert showing. This coldness is just soothing, make me a boat of never ending dreams. There is no lake in this sea waiting, this tears are just dropping. Tell me a lullaby of never-ending mourn, there is no one in this grave breathing this life is just ending... if there will be one more day to live, let the death be the beginning…for I died so long ago... Once I thought of light, darkness covered the skies, once I dreamt of hope, despair came along. For so long I walked ahead, all I saw was a mirage, for so long I drifted away, all I felt was a pain. I have searched for thy light not knowing that our roots they all have been withered away... Once I’ve thought that all the things around all the words, all the promises, the love and all the hearts are for real. Once I’ve thought that all the life ahead, all the joy, all the happiness exists but no more. The tears, all the yearnings which are real, tears. I thought that there is a hope to carry on, I thought that there must be a reason. I thought that mankind knows the way, I thought that light is upon this darkness as there are no more roads left ahead, I thought wrong. Cursed by longing, yearn for a day that would never come, darkened by wishing, wish for a hope that would never shine and betrayed by thou, you the destroyers. Who will suffer the same, blinded by light, a light which weeps, somewhere far behind this walls. Sickened by living, an unlived sad life that takes as it never gives, killed by sweet lies. Promises for a better tomorrow, that erases all the reasons failed by nightmares, daydreams for a new light which withers the veins, gone by walking away like for ages all alone, far from this life to die... I’ve realized that it is a cold November night, there is someone in the corner in a deep dark. I’ve seen Raindrops were falling down, with all those shivering to fade away and to die. I’ve felt there is no one here to feel, as I wander all alone here is nothing but a warm tear, I’ve tried to stay awake and to walk, no part of this body helped me out, I’ve smiled to let this go and to be alive, no memory of this life made me try, I still remember deep in that rainy night, I’ve been drowned. The time has come to leave, there is no more air to breathe. The sickness has withered the body, the skies above my life are always cloudy. There will be no more statues to look upon, there were no wings for me to be above. Here the story is going to be finished, here in this cage I will let this misery to be unleashed. I was writing thy name everywhere, you were erasing my existence so then. you may thought that I would just fade away, but there was no shoulder for me to lay...I’ve built a house which was seeing the dawn, where there was no light to be shown you've destroyed a life which was a shame, when I’ve realized that the sun above is pale…I was coming for you but you were walking away from me, you thought that I will just put this to rest but you didn't know that...that I will seek for you always till the end... Thought that I’ve found thee, there on the hills of the cold in the deep of the void, you thought that you've buried the light here upon the roads of the loss in the darkest part of my life. I thought that I’ve heard the birds singing upon the skies of the fallen. Where the sickened air is growing you thought that I’m singing a song. For the ones with frozen hearts for there was nothing inside but misery. So I started to seek for you. I’ve lost myself to get to you, I’ve tried to erase all the past, to be with you in my dreams at last. So I’m leaving...for I know that you didn't knew, that I was waiting here for so long for you to come...as the life itself is the mean of all, of all that is just a never-ending misery... Let the ghosts leave for this city sinks in grief. Let the light vanish for this city that has been perished.
Let the city fade into darkness, for we cried and we died without an honor, its ok let them to... The man who sold the world, sold his heart to you all…but no more, the man who cared enough to behold who killed a soul of himself for you all …but no more. Was it this way or you just made it happen, was this that easy or you made it harder if this is the way then I’m not upon, it if this is the life then I’m not living it...not anymore...it is so hard to finish a painting, it is so easy to erase it all, it is so hard to start to walk through a journey. It is so easy to end it all it was hard for me to make now it is so easy for you to destroy… so I will leave you now. I'm gone already... If you are going to fall let me fall with you for I have nothing else but you. If you are leaving me to shadows let me fade with them, in would vanish in a moment. If you are going to wither let me shed a tear for I have no more tears to cry, if you are going to die let me die with you. For I have no one to take me there to you, fall, for we have nothing to let go, for we have nowhere to attend. Leave, for we have no one to care. Die, for we had nothing but pain. As the light wanders and dies and as I seek this being of lies, in this coldhearted emotions of loss flowers wither and all hope is lost. For you I wait here in cold for I have no one but you there... Still cannot face what's going on in here, with the ignorance without bliss, maybe today, maybe tomorrow, maybe never. Past still remains, oh! How I wish to fly away into the spheres of lying emotions maybe this moment, maybe never. The world is closing through my eyes. Too blind to see, the blank visions of hope. Deaf from any side to hear, the empty melodies, of this heartfelt dejected elegy…Oh! How I got left behind...for the years, days and for the moments that I suffered softly, I beg to thee...embrace the fallen tears of silence that I lied awake, grieving...frozen within. Oh! How the flowers withered away in this land of the ancient dreams. The world is closing through my eyes, too blind to see the blank visions of hope, deaf from any side to hear the empty melodies, of this heartfelt dejected elegy. Life, does not know me I am not in any being, I don’t even know if I exist either, only a whisper and I’m afraid that this whisper is no longer sing able even in a mournful dirge of this cold deep saddened sea. Oh! I’m afraid that I am the forgotten melody of this song, the meaning of the empty skies weeping inside...so I leave...no more tears left the shed and I die...no more reasons left to be.... nowhere to look, no one to see, nowhere to hide, no one to be. Void is the Life, barrens is all me. Inside is empty outside I flee, O' death are you here… I beg thee to take me... to end the all heartbeats, to be smothered by waves…to fall within, to fail breathing…Farewell would be the only word to remain. If only life was just spreading its linen, if only the wings of hope was just not broken, maybe then I had a name written down on its filthy pages. If only time was just not passing like a crushing storm, if only the clouds upon my life was not like this dark and gloomy, maybe then I would stop for a moment, but Oh, I've been running for so many years, not to say the word of departure but to stay someplace far from this agonized society. So fragile is the curtain of life, so beautiful is the meaning of leaving all behind. Suddenly a sorrow paints itself within you. Oh, how elegant is, even the smallest thought of a journey, departing. As we fade our own dawn, as we drawn in our own thoughts…life will fail. As we dream in our own existence, as we fall behind in our own hopes…emptiness will fall. This time all the corners of loneliness are whispering their words of a dead passenger, slowly in the ears of a deaf, the end of all written words. This time all the corners of silence plays its dirge of a longing sorrowfully in the space, the end of all painful melodies. This time all the corners of staying shines its long lighten walls in the eyes of a blind, the end of all fading lights. This time all the corners of leaving blocks its long locked doors, to the hands of a broken. This is an end to all the lives....gone forever... Too close to lose, too near to catch. Oh! Hope... the strangest word, oh! Life... the coldest embrace. I'm drowning in such spaces of hallow in such desperate melodies of sorrow. Too long the way, too wide the look, oh! Despair... the biggest mean, oh! Death... the sweetest taste. No hand to take. No shoulder to lie on. I see, I feel, I mourn and I cry, I fall, I die...When thy eyes looks upon me it thunders the inside which never heals, it burns the meadow where I'd never was. Oh Hope! When I was whispering thy name, where I was spreading thy scent. I didn't knew that I was giving my very soul and I just didn't know that I was dying... I died where I wandered, I died when I whispered...thy name…Hope! Let me drown, let it be no shore, let me leave, let it be no place, let me fall, let it be no ground. Let me whisper, let it be no word, let me breath, let it be no air, let me laugh, let it be no joy, let me real, let it be no dream, let me fly, let it be no wings. Let me lie, let it be no shoulder, let me hear, let it be no sound, let me cry, let it be no tear. Let me mourn, let it be no hope, let me dark, let it be no light, let me die, let it be no life. And the loneliness had a queen, a queen whom was far, a queen in black and white. Far enough to dream, close enough to feel, I’ve wrote her a letter, all blank it was, she looked back at me, all tears there were. Long was the distance, cold was the air, void was the time and you were the dream and the loneliness had a light, a light which was blinding, a porcelain which was breaking into the shores of being, into the lands of fading, and the loneliness had a queen…once. If only there was no one beside her essence and no air for her to breathe, maybe the queen was beside me then, maybe I was the air for her to live. Was it fair, always to write and erase, the notes of praise, is this fair, always to leave and fly. Far from that essence to cry, I was there, and here I am, but she is not she is not…so silent is the voice of images which she's painting so desperate is the color of sceneries which she's drawing. So warm is the look of her eyes. Such cold is the touch of her hands too much is the prize of her beauty, such beautiful is the smile of her purity. It’s too late, I’ve lost her for so long, I’ve been seeing her, back there where I’ve dwelled, first there was a distant reality. Now here is a far dream... so far back there where I’ve withered. There was a sweet essence of her. Now here is a vanished smell... gone long. It's too late, I’ve left her for so long, I’ve been losing her... It’s for so long that I lie awake, that I paint a way to be smothered by the waves. It's for years that I am beside you all, that I break through the walls to be taken by the shores it's for ages that I’m staying alive. That I’m waiting for so long/ to know that I have waited for nothing... in those cold nights where sun was dying, where no one was sighing I’ve turned my back away. All the memories to dust. All you to be lost that you didn’t seem to rust.... nothing... but you the light suffered me a lot. I’ve did it for you to know that there is something but you were blind enough not to see. I've gave all to you to show that there is still someone here or there that you can have. Look at the mirror, you will see yourself as a shadow, seek to find someone you will find no one but me as a holder leave farther away you will know that there is nothing. So here is your elegy that I write for you... Come back to me or I will leave, look back at me or I will fade, so hard is the waiting, so cold is the season for there is no sun but you. Erase away these clouds from the skies paint it over again with blue, for there is no color but you…death.
Hello Darling, It's been a long time since I’m writing to you... How is it going? Are you happy that you are gone? How do you feel? Do you feel better that you left all to rust? It's been a long time that I’m coming back to our home searching for you but you are not there. Well, you know. Nothing’s changed here. I'm doing well you have left me so much to live with, I'm just trying to. It's been a long time that I’m searching for a reason that...why I’m just writing this letters and keeping them for myself...It's been a long time...that I came here for you and now I’m all behind by myself and alone...Don’t wait this much, no one cares, don't cry this much, no one erases the tears. For there was no one, even to wait for. Don’t search this much, no one bares don't write this much, no one reads. For there was no one, even to write for... Don't sing this loud, no one hears, don’t paint this beauty, no one sees. For there was no one, even to die for...Don't fade away, don't drift away, for there is just a shadow that dwells within you. Once I thought of light darkness covered ahead. Once I dreamt of hope despair came along. For so long I walked ahead and all I saw was a mirage, for so long I drifted away and all I felt was the pain. I have searched for thy light, not knowing that our roots. They all have withered away...Unborn thou would be, Unlived my life was, untold thy story would be, unchained my heart was. I have wrote, you erased. I have painted, you vanished...Just felt like that I’m dancing on the air no matter how far I’ll fly away no matter how far I’ll leave, I will make my own wings. Just felt like that I’m dreaming of the solace no matter how hard I’ll try. No matter how tired I’ll be, I will paint my own dream. Just felt like that and I'm falling down from thy empty skies no matter how deep I’ll break no matter how much I’ll live I will erase my own existence. Just felt like that I’m fading away from thy darkened pages of history, just felt like that I’m dying. Stay with me, just for a moment I need you here, before I lose it all, the essence of thy being...breathe with me, just for a second I need you close, before I feel it that you are gone... sing with me, just this last line that I need to hear, before I read it the last letter of thy heart... Paint with me, just this last canvas. I long to see, before. Mother, something inside still hurts that I try to erase it our lives into thy memories...lay with me there is no one here to feel. There is no one there to see; stay with me. Mother, something deep down inside still hurts deep down through my soul. Mother, something inside still kills every passing moment and second that I walk though. Mother, something inside still longs for the dawn at least to come. Mother, I know you can't hear but I know you would bare. Mother, you know I won't tell but you know I would fade. Mother, something inside still tells a story which no one ever heard of, mother, something inside still paints a scenery which no one ever dreamt of...built by sorrow, anguish… Mother, someone dies here still deep within me. Under thy heavy skies there are many to be lost. Under thy shallow waters there are many left to be drowned. Under thy sickened eyes there are many to be found...thou art the life. Under thy darkened minds there are many to be forgotten, under thy rotten lies there are many to be smothered. Under thy blackened hearts there are many to turn to salt...thou art the death...I’ve walked there, it was cold I’ve felt that from before, not just the air, all the bones were... and I couldn't find. It was gloom I’ve seen that from before, not just the scenery, all the feelings were... and I couldn't breathe. It was rainy I’ve smelled that long ago, not just the skies, all the eyes were...I fell down, it was so dark and I’ve wrote my diary long ago not just the life, all the lives were. I’ve cried a river. It was deep I’ve been down there before, not just drowned, all the hopes were... I have faded. There was a light I was painting it for so long not just the dreams, all the creation was... I was there... so deep cold dismal ether...Torture me, nothing hurts anymore I have enough to bare and abandon me, nowhere takes anymore, I have enough to seek. Leave me, no one cares anymore. I have enough to wither. No more, no less... I will be gone. Erase me, no history remembers anymore I have enough to speak and break me, no reason to carry anymore. I have enough to fall, kill me, no hope shines anymore. I have enough to die but no light, nor the dark... I was not here at all...This time all the corners of loneliness whispers its words of a dead passenger slowly in the ears of a deaf the end of all written words this time all the corners of silence plays its dirge of a longing sorrowfully in the space the end of all painful melodies. This time all the corners of staying shines its long lighten walls in the eyes of a blind, the end of all fading lights. This time all the corners of leaving blocks its long locked doors to the hands of a broken, this is an end to all the lives...forever...started to think and I’ve remembered all the darkened memories with no more hope to live, with no sign to give me the reason. Then I started to write through my sickened heart with no more love to give and no place to keep me in. I started to leave and I’ve walked away over and over again with no air to breath, with no map to guide me the way… after a while... I heard the singing birds upon my head echoing, I saw the withering leaves under my feet dying. I felt the freezing hands over my body shivering and I felt myself falling, Oh! Death, into thy arms...with hearing your voice slowly saying: you are at the end of thy road, you have faded long ago as the birds stopped singing and the ravens fell....the end. Now in this moment comes the sorrow that I kill you all, no sign of a tear which I lost for so long, no compassion nor love, when I gave to you to pass for I’m not breathing, not anymore. Now in this moment comes the loss that I forget you all, no reason of existence, where I died for my years, no life nor light, where I showed you the cause for, I will not make a spark…no more.
Now in this moment comes the death, that I carry in every step that I’m taking, no meanings of living which I never had to live, no joy neither the smile which I hate the most on thy faces, for I’m not painting it, no anymore. Now in this moment comes the sickest dream to torture you all to leave you all behind...right in this moment.... Dreamscape of my solace is not here down in this life, nowhere is written, and nowhere is shown. Far from this being was thy existence to be lived. Dreamscape of my solace is not there down in your images, no one is seeing, no one is painting. Far within this sorrow were my words to be remembered. Dreamscape of my leaving is nowhere around here, is where I detach myself, I would stay there, forever. I walk now deep inside of me where no life, no light nor the love comes, embrace thy sorrow and drown in thy tears. For now in this moment till the end, no life, no reason and nothing comes, not anymore from me, not anymore.... no clue for how long may it could lead me and no map where I will be guided and for how long it may let me live... There is no Dreamscape. Mother, there are no voices in the streets. There is no light shining on the hearts. Mother, it feels like there was no light. It feels like there was no sound. Everyone is silent, everyone is being dark and everyone is absent. Mother, whatever I’ve painted they have erased, whatever I’ve said they have forgot and whatever I gave they destroyed, no matter how loud I screamed they made me absolute mute, mother silence is here and pain dwells inside. Only thing to remember from a childhood is just witnessing a sweet decay of your bitter dreams. Mother, were there just this creatures around when I was painting a dream to hide away, that they were destroying? Tell me mother, that won't stay with me forever... it's so late, they are me. If you go nothing would remain but my end to come, if you forget nothing will stay but my past to hurt. You are gone already, but I’m here waiting. If you erase nothing would remain the same but my old agony, if you fade no light would shine again but thy dead darkened rays… you are dead by now, but I’m still alive and struggle with you dying...away to find as thou never let. Oh light, I have failed too much to see…as thou never shined. I sit always in this loneliness watching it all passing by as thy time left nothing for me to feel. I wait in this cold existence hearing it all leaving me behind as thy melody is no longer playable. I die every second in this frozen fading life witnessing it all drifting by as thy gift was nothing but the agony for me to bare. I fall, I withered and I died. Like an unknown reason you came by, like a dying breath you left away. Like an undying air you went through me, like a withering leaf you fell apart, it was not only you that I longed for, I still yearn for thy unwritten whispers into my ears. Like an unlockable chain you caged me in. Like a fading light you vanished away. Like an unbreakable promise you stayed, like a lying hope you left me behind. It was not only you that I desired, I still yearn for thy soft finger skin on my bleeding flesh, like a healing. See me, behold and erase me for all this being that its wounds are not going to heal....©ThyMournia, 2013
...and I Called Thee Raven (thus this will be our shattered story and nothing more...)
I wait for the flowers to bloom and I bathe them in the dead waters to grow so far from this sickened reality, I plant them under the skies so blue; my heart dies as the beauty rots. I wait for the stars to fall to carry them within me till the shore so far from this saddened life, I place each of them into the skies that I’ve built; my nights are bright as every star starts to fall. I cry for the moon to shine and I imagine her light in the dead of the night, so far is to reach and I follow the map always till the dawn; my heart yearns for a land that all the seasons are entwined with the fall. I've painted, I've wrote and I've erased this never-ending elegy for what I always felt was regret. Life died as the sun drew up and I cursed the days to end for this existence to fall apart. I want to leave somewhere that nothing rots and the chaos is all left behind and all of us are breathing through a fresh air. Wherever I fly, the days will fly with me through all the songs of this solitude I sing, they will sing with me and whenever this time will end they will vanish with me. For so long, nothing takes away this pain, I've tried so hard and what I’ve witnessed was the night and never the dawn. Where all the leaves meant to fall as I kept my memories alive, I drown myself into the deepest oceans for I will bury every being alive. Not only the light here dies, I've watched my wings breaking down. This elegy, this everlasting scars, they will stay forever, enough to suffer and enough to die. The sorrow of this desolate dream, the pressure of this confined coffin kills the will, the hope and everything within. I wait for this night to end, nothing changes and all of my hope starts to fade. I long for these seconds to pass, seems like it is endless and nothing is left here to grasp. I leave all this misery behind, I have not dwelt yet, but all the buildings are starting to fall. This world is covered in dark and the ambition of this life is nothing but to cry. I turn my head back, my life turns upside down and there, I see the rain starting to fall, I beg to this night to take me far. My destination is so far, but still I will search for it till the dawn. I will always wander through the night. I take a walk outside to forget all, to escape the solitude but the longing injects more sadness and loneliness into my veins. I pass through these solid faces, I dwell into these cold embraces. Light is no longer shining through and there is nowhere to find its traces. I write my words down, they have never been into phrases. I live through the night and maybe I will find a sign that I have been ever existed.
As I walk every inch of this desperation, as I've lived through all of the dying spaces the world fell before me. As I was wandering around these places, I left all of this before you and I lost you, so I will lose myself too. I've lived this pain through you but still I will go on because there is only one reason and that is always you. I've drowned myself into this deep ocean where no sailor can sail and where no shore can be reached. All is a dead winter with its roots frozen, so calm is the night, so cold is the heart, so bright is the dream, so far is to fly and to reach. My throne is isolated, my hands are cold and my breaths are suffocated. What is the name of this story? A failing end or a moment of glory? Still I do want to keep some things for myself, a memory or a picture of those who I was with but remembering thy name erases everything around and nothing, no longer looks the same. We will fade and everything vanishes in time and we carry, the signs of a decay. This life is a lie, dreams turns to dust and what is left, is just to cry. Spare me from the hope for I always wander deep into the ocean without a shore. My sorrow is the cause, there are no more colors left to paint for all I feel is the loss. I dream of a light but all the curtains are down, I dwell in a dream, eternally in the night, I write to you for a long time, in the same phrase. Cold it is, and with a woe, I seek for the sun, but as always in the end, there was no trace. This flesh, this existence, this absence, this perpetuation keeps the scars wide open and what is left is my misconception. It gets colder and colder as the world slowly begins to fall apart. A kid is watching other play while all he does is to avoid and his life starts to fall where the sun starts a dawn. His heart has been broken, all the memories are with him, for so long through all the undying moments of this story to die. Wasn’t it too soon for him to break? He dwells around these corners of sadness and seeing nothing but his tears dropping down. Wasn’t it too deep for him to be drowned? His life has been erased and all the papers are left empty, behind of all the curtains of this sanity so far. Was it all that this life could take? He stands there and nothing changes so far, so he writes in his diary again, remember me kids, may we meet again far from this place and in another time. He decides to leave all behind, takes his belongings and walks away. In the middle of a path he stops and starts to write down what he saw on his way, what he witnessed and what he left behind. This lying shrine, these shallow skies and floating remnants of thy memorable pride was more like a genocide than a crime. I will always wander and this world is neither the truth nor divine. These dead seasons, this freezing existence and faded lies of thy promised salvation will always be a sad comedy not a dramatization. I write my words, but alas... in the end there is no motivation. These falling leaves, this untold story and unwritten words of thy darkest history is the reason, for the fallen there won't be any glory. My labyrinth of words digs my own grave for I'm rotting in this tomb which is called life.
Oh hope! I remember you flying around, you were not absent and so easy to be found as the darkness started to shine. I saw you up there, and it broke my heart, these infinite rivers, these saddened times and I felt myself with you, through the fall and among all these dead visions to recall, all my life was desperate and so deprived. So many stories left to write and my despair is you, not the dawn. Oh Hope! This lunacy is caused by you, this desolate existence, this slumber and pride. Did you ever realize that I have always tried, not to let my world to fall? I call upon thee my raven, fly upon this rotten tomb for I could never fly and for all these years that I've cried, my dying breath was the only reason to stay alive and but all is left there is to rot. This world and these empty shores, this novel and these empty pages, this song and these silent melodies, this beauty and these rotten memories are all the desperation that my eyes behold. This painting and these colorless lands, this void and these everlasting scars, this emptiness and these cutting thorns, this shadow and these passing lives are all the beauty that this existence believes. This dying breath and these sickened skies, this shallow being and these falling tears, this fallen flesh and these bleeding wounds, this undying misery and these sorrowful moments are all the remnants that this life could give. This desperation and this long lasting desolation, this solitude and this untold story of separation is all the light shining through these dead eyes.
The raven finally, there was nothing to see as he imagined as it would be and he walked across the alleys and all the corners of a city that he painted in his mind that would exist, he dreamt of a world that he wanted to see but alas, he left the bad to worse and he sat on the corner of an alley and started to write… Behind this rotten being, there is a soul that yearns. Behind this darkened eyes, there is a fragile heart that breaks and behind this sickened mind, there is a bright corner that shines. They are all gone and nothing is here. Behind these long black curtains, there is a colorful painting to gaze. Among these dead lands there is a tulip to bleed and beneath these rusted leaves there is a strong root to believe. They are all dead, only few buildings here left to fade. Within these honest words, there are melodies left to sing. Among these silent birds, there is one that had to flee and deep inside this broken flesh there is a strong heart to feel. They all fell and now it is only me here left alone with the ravens flying around and greeting my arrival. I know that I won’t survive this winter alone, so I pass these words to thee, for you are the only one up there that sees…and I called thee raven because in thy eyes all were grey and all the light was fading. And I called thee raven because the seasons were all dead nothing left neither love nor hate. And I called thee raven because in thy heart all were dying and nothing was worth trying. And I called thee raven because this whole being was doomed and I've heard nothing, everyone was crying. And I called thee raven because my whole existence shivers and my eyes are full of tears. And I called thee raven because nothing stays and my heart is broken…and so the raven flew away over the skies to witness and to be his eyes, the boy eased his eyes to rest and went into a deep sleep, may the dawn will rise and the sun will shine.
The raven stared at the kid and felt his sorrow and looked upon the dead skies all covered in smoke and dust and his due is a must. So far is to reach, so cold is the tomb, so desperate is the life and so dark is the night. So gloomy is the light, so heavy is the burden, so deep is the wound and so dead is the world. So silent is the song, so sad is the heart, so lonely is the soul and so dead is the fall. So bright is the night, so honest is the crime, so hard is to cry and so tired were his eyes. So late was to fight, so soon is to be apart, so unholy was almighty’s shrine and so real is to thrive. Failure came before and life fell before him. For a moment the raven tried to change places with him in order to see what he saw and he said: I dwell in your cold rooms where there is nothing left but the ruins, I dwell in your dark corners where this life brought me just failures. I dwell in your false promises and I forgot how it feels to see the sunrises. I dwell in your saddened memories, just tell me about the story of the fallen leaves. I dwell in your forgotten lands where all the buildings turned to worthless sands. The kid was awake and saw the gathering of the ravens, they were all like him, all wanderers of this faded dream and he told them: As life takes it all away, and you stayed here to show me the way, I dwell within thy sorrow but there is no one beside me to follow. You may leave but who will take my hand while my heart dies and this cemetery feels so cold. I lost the spring of my life, winter came too soon and all the crops are gone now. I still smother, the heart is not fine, you fly away and I will come with you as I took the vow. But beware, we were gone already, the moment that I have arrived! Our salvation is like fairy tales, our existence is based on shadows and shades. We lost it all, as a child weeps and all the world dies. We stand almost there on the edge to dive; none shall live, there will be no place to hide and survive. Nothing is saving us... not the love, neither hope, nor the light. And now that you all are beside me, you may never see the tears, the dreams are fading, all that's left are the broken sheers, love won't be the answer, and hearts...already dying. You and I don't belong here, close thy eyes...the world is already falling. They flew away and the kid followed them, the oceans are dry by now, but they may reach the shore. Loss remains, hope dies and longing starts, these are the remnants, the heritage we will leave to our sons. All is sadness, all is gone, for this is all that I see from above, let it all fade, let the extinction take over and let us die. All the tombs are aware, all the ages, our history, our cause, the joy turned to anguish, children fall and mothers cry. The roses are long rotten and the thorns are deep inside, Where we used to feel, to love, to be...deep inside of our hearts. This scenery is sickened, not for long we will survive, the abandonment was our eulogy...the end is near, the fall.
I saw you...so calm was the scent of you, we lived alone and no roses will be upon our graves. You will always be my dearest, it is so dark and it breaks my heart when a soul leaves. Oh’ my beloved, why we had to leave? Why this departure? Against the skies was our will, have we lost our fortune? Our roots has been rotting, yet we were lost in the cold of our nurture, The sorrow in our hearts will last forever, our pain turned into rapture, Our universe is irreversible, we have failed this existence. We came all the way here for nothing yet it’s called a resistance. No divine hand will help us through this misery…behold the void. We are doomed to swim in this sea without a shore. And the raven reaches the heights of the Promised Land, all the shadows dwelling within this forgotten city, the raven asked the kid; where are they going? Is there anywhere else to be safe? Is there any other things to bare? Or it is just another dream that has to be failed. Where are the shores? Where are the never-ending oceans? Where are the dreams, the never-ending hopes? Where are we now? What happened to us? Where are all the lives and those shinning bright lights? Where are they leaving? Is there any other seasons to be free? Is there any other reason to be? Or it is just another mirage to leave. Where are the cords and the never-ending notes? Where are the songs and never-ending sounds of joy? Where are they now? What imprisoned us while we were asleep? What imprisoned us, while we were free? Were we even free?
I have found thee, long after I had failed, I’ve saw thee long after the sun went dark. I’ve felt thee, long after the world went down and this dreadful truth, this never-ending woe came long before my first breath. I’ve imagined thee, long after my eyes stopped seeing, I’ve wrote thee long after my words turned to white. I’ve held thee, long after my hands became so cold and this meaningless void and this never ending noise came long before the life began. Something painted my soul with the dark long before I started to believe, something filled my heart full with sorrow long before I started to feel. Don’t you leave before me raven because I have no one else to follow, don't you fade before the dawn because I have no light to wander beneath the trees. Nothing can be this harsh, like a desert without a sand. The raven was finally there, woefulness of this scenery saddened him, he was way ahead of the kid that was following him, sun will never shine but I will wait for thee; the raven said: I will paint you a path against this dark sky and I will be your guide. Forlornly is our story. Our salvation and dreams...all is yet to fall, in this empty abyss, there will be no one but us to recall. This woefulness, this weeping, the reason of our cause, thorns of the past...our wounds bleeding, they will always bind... And the raven flew further away, the weight of darkness was so heavy to bare. There was no one there, all that left to feel was the shame. Trying to give a spark to his heart, but so cold was the flame. All is inconsistency, saddened and despair, deserted are our homes, no one to blame. Our dreams…destroyed, the stars are aligned the same, everything is hopeless, none to reclaim; said the raven and faded away...and the raven appeared beside the kid the kid and asked him: What have we done? Why all is falling down as we breathe? As the kid’s eyes were full of tears, He silently whispered: ...we exist.
A slow slumber is yet to begin as we all are going to bury our memories within. Heal your wounds, hide your fears and open your wings and just fly, far away from here. Seasons are eerie, falling is the tree. Where you had sought a shelter to be freed, no one will wait for you, see my tears and believe, not the anguish, neither sorrow, nor the dreams. Sing the song of death while you are here, leave it all behind, may the signs of life are somewhere near. Our sun was dead, its rays would never appear, may the dark of these days guide us through, as we disappear. So many thoughts were in kid’s head and said: Remember me when you reach there, but you may never draw your tomorrow. Broken are our hearts, we lost our breath even though the rivers were shallow. My soul wanders along with you, but I can’t follow. Shattered is the scenery of serenity which we have painted with our sorrow... they were finally there. The kid was looking around with his eyes full of tears as the wind blew so light, and the sun drew up, like the morning dew was his eyes, nothing to see through...the windows were filled with ice, the raven is here and I shall have him near. Here has been so silent for long, no voice is left within me, he whispered quietly; the raven was gone, too far to reach. We may never leave again, this will our home now, this is the beginning of an end and these trees are dead as they looked upon everywhere. Cold and infectious are the seasons, none of us felt ever the warmth, there are no words written to repeat and to heal your wounds. Let the glimmers of light fade away, our night is long. Death, thou art the guidance and thus we shall die... This sun sickens me the kid said, soon will stop...the beating in my chest. Take me so high above the clouds, to thy nest…so peaceful was the air, and he laid his eyes to rest....©ThyMournia, 2014
© Thymournia, 1998-2017